FINDING TREASURE IN THE UNEXPECTED!
I think everyone can safely agree that this is a shit storm situation! As it turns out, when I started thinking about my personal coping mechanisms for handling shit storms, I figured it might be valuable for others if I shared. The current situation we are all facing is one of uncertainty. This can be handled in a number of ways, panic being at one end of the spectrum along with fear and calm at the other. In panic we achieve nothing but more stress, in a state of calm we can respond cohesively and responsibly. Perhaps something between the two is realistic. The ambition of this blog is to demonstrate through some of my personal examples of being faced with uncertainty, what I have learned and some ideas that may help.
I normally write specifically toward SEND (special education needs and disabilities) parents - who generally speaking have a more challenging time than other parents, but at this period of time, we are likely all facing tougher than usual circumstances and therefore this blog is for anyone and everyone who may be feeling challenged or struggling. I have therefore kept examples less SEND specific. It is my ambition to try and help as many as I can by sharing this. I’m hoping that by sharing some of my personal shit storms and periods of uncertainty, I can inspire and ignite ideas for coping and creating healthier perspectives and therefore happier realities for those in turmoil.
Our struggle in life develops our strengths
THE MENTAL HEALTH IMPACT OF CORONA
Unemployment, feelings of anxiety, worry, fear, sleepless nights, illness, isolation and economic ruin are part of the shit storm of COVID 19 and Corona lockdowns. They are also a few of the things I have fortunately or unfortunately (depending on how you look at it), become familiar friends with over the years. All of which seem to be relevant with the current reality for many in today’s global pandemic situation.
It is here – right in the middle of a crisis - that we have a great opportunity (in my opinion), to uncover some of life’s most incredible gifts and insights. Epiphanies even, that will raise our awareness and self-development further than you thought imaginable. The struggles we face in life develop our strengths, through dealing and coping and in turn we build resilience. Resilience is built by being tested and as a result growth often occurs.
My experience of fear, anxiety and situations that have left me highly vulnerable in the past is helpful to me now and helpful for those I am working with - who are in a state of panic or depression. Over the years, I have had to adapt to coping in survival mode and this can be used to help illustrate some insights that might be helpful for others now in this period of great uncertainty.
INSIGHTS
Firstly, when my real journey of hard life experiences and lessons began, I had not learnt the key to self-compassion and for almost 10 years, I worked myself silly due to my belief system that I had to keep on going and keep fighting. That I ‘should’ be this and I ‘should’ be that. This took me to the point of complete breakdown, burn out, exhaustion, fatigue, depression and eventually fibromyalgia. I have learnt from experience. If you read no further than this, if there is one take-away I wish for everyone from writing this blog – it is to practise self-compassion.
BROKEN….
My learning curve of single parenting a SEND child following an abusive relationship left me broken on all levels:
Physical - due to a barbaric birth that was brutal on every level.
Mental - due to enduring abuse during and after the birth of my son.
Financial - due to being blackmailed and financially ruined.
Emotional - as I was left at the time with no option or choice (or so I thought) but to grieve a life I thought I had.
Spiritual - as I allowed myself to become victimised and disconnected from my spirit and soul purpose.
THE LEARNING CURVE….
What I came to realise was the following:
Physical - I could mentally choose to suffer in pain or instead focus on the small things I was able to do from one day to the next despite the pain.
Mental – I had to release myself from victim mentality and stop hating and resenting.
Financial - I had nothing. However, taking it day-by-day with small step progress I found my way through. Opportunities do come (even small ones) they add up and you survive. Perhaps not the way you ‘thought’ you would, but you learn to adapt none the less.
Emotional - I learnt that my emotions are my choice. There is always an option and choice. You have to look for it. Reset the gear and keep going in the direction that brings feelings and sensations that are less tense and more enjoyable.
Spiritual - to never let go of what fills me up and brings me joy. It is important to discover your creative pursuit and inner light. Mine is being of service to people and feeling like I am helping in some way to lighten perspectives.
Happiness does not depend on what you have or who you are. It solely relies on what you think.
Buddha
EXPLANATION
When I lost my old life, home and the plan I set out for myself I was distraught. I cried myself to sleep for months whilst I wrestled with acceptance at various stages of the process ... This was compounded further with the news that my son wasn’t meeting any of his early milestones and there were all sorts of things that weren’t happening the way they ‘should’. Nothing, and I mean nothing was going to plan. I was penniless and had no clue what I was going to do. The idea of literally everything in my life changing and starting from scratch with nothing (as I thought) and the future being so uncertain was terrifying. I had had my sight set on one eventuality and only one! This provided tunnel vision rather than perspective.
Right at the bottom of this particular shit storm, I had the epiphany of realising that everything I was mourning and missing was indeed an illusion - something I had attached my mind to! I was grieving a relationship that was never wholesome enough to be sustainable and a life that took me away from my closest friends and family. I had expected and assumed I would have a baby that would not only be fathered but also would develop and grow and perform ‘as expected’. I was living out some sort of comforting familiar hell. Comfort as I knew what I was dealing with, I had certainty about it. It was somehow safer than the uncertain.
I had no idea of the insights and learning the shit storm would teach me. How out of shit actually comes the most amazing treasures, growth and understanding. An opportunity for self-awareness and development.
RESILIENCE AROUND UNCERTAINTY
You may wonder what any of this has to do with Corona Virus. In my view, the journey and the hard times that I have been through have helped me to build resilience around uncertainty. How to feel pain and chose not to suffer (at least not for long). How when faced with adversity not to spiral into depression due to my circumstances but look for ways to switch my thoughts. To look at what I can do.
What I have learnt through practise and experience is that staying present and not delving into trying to prophesize the future with any attachment is the only way for me to maintain a healthy emotional state.
I have learnt that there is no such thing as being in ‘control’ and that in actual fact there is always a principle of uncertainty. For me at least, the best way to survive, when I’ve been in crisis and all around is uncertainty and chaos (that could easily become overwhelming) is to be aware of my thinking and thoughts - to ensure that what I am thinking is constructive not destructive.
I have learnt that regardless of what is going on around me, how I feel and think about something and how it impacts me IS within my control. What is outside of my control is everything else.
The mind is the source of happiness and unhappiness
TRANSFORMATIVE THOUGHTS
For me, this journey never ends and whilst I do not want to diminish the global pandemic we are currently looking at, I wholeheartedly feel that focusing on steps you can take rather than steps you can’t, creates a mind shift. Going from an attitude of I can instead of I can’t which in turn switches the unpleasant physiology you experience to a physiology of ok and then to more than ok.
Even now, in the midst of a global pandemic there are opportunities for everyone. To find the courage and patience to sit with yourself, be triggered, stay with it and figure it out. To reconnect and check in with yourself more than you’ve ever had a chance to before. To be still. Instead of doing, doing, doing try being, being, being. How are you being today? Feel your being-ness. Explore it. It is fascinating.
In a nutshell, there is a choice - when faced with a shit storm - to be aware.
Are the thoughts you are having unhelpful thoughts that create unpleasant feelings and emotions and if so to change the thoughts!
COVID CONNECTION
With current circumstances, I’m questioning how many people right now feel the same about their lives at this time of turmoil as I did back then.
Yes, it’s unprecedented. I’m not denying the impact or horrendousness of what is occurring right now. Especially, for those in poverty who are unable to feed families, who are sick or are working on the frontlines.
I am however aware that everything that goes ‘wrong’ offers its own unprecedented resources and is completely relative to who you are as an individual and what is going on for you personally.
I hope my story can in some way inspire and help to illustrate the opportunities rather than lack of and to give comfort in the knowledge that if you look you will find positives and reassurance and even perhaps transformation.
Whatever we experience in life is only as hard as we make it…
COACHING QUESTIONS TO HELP
Are you looking for the lessons in your own relative experiences of this lockdown?
Have you found any interesting gems or treasures in your personal shit storm and experience of this pandemic situation?
Have you asked yourself - when you are most triggered, what is this about and what do I need to unpick?
How have you decided already how you are going to BE and feel? Can you reset that?
Does that feel good or bad?
What could you do right now to help you to be the best version of yourself?
How does it get better than it is right now and what can you do about it?
TOP TIPS
Avoid becoming addicted to a constant barrage of statistics and news
Practise self-compassion, this can come in many forms: a bath, a nap, a nice meal, some time out or by recognition that something you are doing is not making you feel good and doing something about it
Practise self-awareness – spend some time with the inner you
On the final point, there are many ways to do this. Connecting with your inner light will be both reassuring and insightful for you. It may not be easy to begin with – things that are new rarely are. I will be writing a separate blog which looks at how to do this in more detail for now here are some methods to consider.
INNER LIGHT CONNECTION
Some gentle yoga or stretching
Journaling your feelings and triggers and frustrations, asking yourself questions about them on the page
A quiet tea meditation – where you sit with a cuppa and focus purely on drinking it
Burning a candle and simply looking at it
Breathing mindfully and focusing on your breath
Anything that allows you to contemplate and free your mind from external distractions
IN CONCLUSION…
The mind is a powerful vehicle, which can be manipulated, tricked and attached to all sorts of assumptions, beliefs and ideas which in turn (as I’ve tried to demonstrate from my own experiences), can create illusions of comfortable familiarity. Even when they are not necessarily healthy or the best thing for us.
As in my case, the living hell that I was used to was my comfort - as it was certain! The uncertainty of what would become of me outside of that life was deeply traumatising. It took a long time to reset, as I didn’t have the experience and knowledge then that I have now. I had to go through it to learn how to do it. This blog is intended to offer food for thought on your journey now. If some of what I have been through can support you at all through this.
As the saying goes - happiness is not the destination it’s the journey! Find some happiness, insights, growth and knowledge on your journey with this. Can you look at it as an opportunity?
Change is never painful. Only resistance to change is painful.
Buddha
This could be the chance to bring about positive changes in the way we each live our lives. All we have to do is be open to it. I hope this helps to empower and ignite some inspiration of how to get through the next few weeks of lockdown and beyond.
To use the name of Raising Spirit to literally raise spirits and help you to feel better.
I am offering up to 50% discount on one-to-one coaching, team, group or family coaching throughout this period.
Please do get in touch if you feel I can support you.
